So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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