There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
