so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
