I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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