life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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