Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
