you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
