Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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