I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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