time to smoke my breakfast
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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