My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
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I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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