it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
