I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
