Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
