My nipple is on Facebook.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
