My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
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