It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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