Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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