He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Houston, we have a squirter
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
