so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
