She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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