I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
