Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.