did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
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He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
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I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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