Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my phone needs a breathalizer
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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