We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
