The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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