he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
