I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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