i just sent this text using only my big toe
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
