i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
