Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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