Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
