Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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