The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
