I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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