Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
