she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
