Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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