The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i drank out of a bidet.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
