If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
