I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
