I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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