I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
