Yo dont text me then not text me
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
