What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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