OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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