My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
