happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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