I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
