I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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