Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
