Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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