So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I could fuck to npr.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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