At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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