I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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