I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
