How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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