Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
